Its no secret that the French are quite into cheek kissing. I'm not very good at. Which is unfortunate, as get it wrong and folk think your a bastard.

There seems to be a knack which I just can't pick up. You should only really kiss family and close friends, everyone else can make do with a handshake or even just a bonjour (if they smell). Where I get caught out is I am expected to kiss all Raph's family and friends - even the ones I have never met. Theres usually only about two seconds to decide whether they deserve a smooch or not, so theres been many a stranger in the Alps thats been mighty taken aback by my forwardness.

The other extreme is when I forget altogether. Usually made worse by someone else walking up five minutes later for a smooch highlighting my snub, and then I am shamed. Or worse still, someone walks up five minutes later and kisses me - in the snubee's eyes I've just turned round and told them to get fucked.

I'm good at kissing grannies though. I always remember to kiss the granny.

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